my son will be going into surgery without much fear or anxiety, although he is a bit worried, he's more just worried about the pain that will come once he wakes up
adults however know more, know more details, have heard more stories and definitely know more of the nitty gritty details that surgery, in this case heart surgery entails
knowing my creative mastermind child who loves making his own movie posters, his own games and is most definitely better than maths than his Mama is going to have his chest cut open like that is something I cannot get past
the thought of watching him going into theatre and putting his entire life, literally his entire being in the hands of other people is unfathomable.
it's the what ifs that are poisoning my brain. what if something, anything goes wrong, what if he's that very small percentage that doesn't make it through.
and I know it's not healthy to think like that, I need to fill myself with positivity, the same positivity I give my boy every day
"everything will go well and you'll be back to yourself in no time" "they are very skilled and know what they're doing".
but why, at night time when my world is quiet can I not believe that myself.
I try so hard to keep positive and believe nothing bad will happen but it's like there's someone else in my brain feeding me negativity and I don't know how to stop that
the mental toll this has taken on me has been astronomical. like the light has gone from my eyes and from my life and I just want it to come back
and I feel selfish even just saying that, i'm not even the one having surgery.
but I'm the mother, who has thought they might lose their child many times in just half a year, who's watched flashbacks in their mind of their child's first breath, first steps and first words because they've felt like his short life was going to just be snuffed out and taken from them.
I can't remember the last day or night I didn't cry, I'm entirely exhausted in every single way.
